Wishful thinking

Things I want to do in my life:

1. own an expensive automobile
2. learn to drive the expensive automobile (or hire a chauffer, in case I start driving it like I do in the video games)
3. own a small yacht
4. learn to navigate in the yacht (or hire a captain, in case I get frustrated and decide to sink it)
5. own a private plane
6. definitely hire someone to operate it
7. OPTIONAL: file insurance claim for smashed car, sunken yacht and crashed plane
8. IMPORTANT: sue chauffer, captain, and pilot, in case of step 7.

9. own a ring of pure gold
10. IMPORTANT: try not to drop it in molten lava while calling it “My precious”, especially when wearing it.

11. own a medium size bungalow
12. own a large screen TV(at least 79 inch, cable channels optional)
13. own a kick ass stereo system(at least a 7.1 surround sound system)
14. IMPORTANT: own a remote control that only responds to my touch
15. hire someone to teach me to operate these electronic devices
16. OPTIONAL: get a job to pay for all this

17. own a cat, a dog, a horse, an iguana, (a lion, a tiger, an alligator, a snake, etc)
18. make a zoo to house all the animals
19. IMPORTANT: never call it never-never-land, especially if inviting any kids


20. build a pool in the backyard
21. IMPORTANT: learn to swim on my own
22. OPTIONAL: make pool only 4 ft deep in case step 21 fails

23. learn to hold a conversation
24. PRECONDITION: learn to start a conversation
25. ask a girl out for a date, before she starts to run away
26. learn to do the 100 meter dash in less than 5 seconds (in case the girl decides to throw something at me, or to keep up with the girl when she is running away)
27. IMPORTANT: after step 26 is successfully executed set a new world record at the Olympics for the 100 meter dash


28. IMPORTANT: learn the meaning of life and realize that there is no spoon
29. buy a cutlery set

30. learn to cook
31. learn to eat what I cook
32. IMPORTANT: force others to eat what I cook, in case I cant manage to eat it
33. OPTIONAL: open a restaurant if step 32 is successful
34. PRECONDITION: disable all fire alarms in the near vicinity


35. learn to curse in different languages
36. OPTIONAL: hire bodyguards
37. IMPORTANT: learn to dodge all manner of objects when making an exit.

38. learn to hold a tune
39. write a song
40. set the song to music
41. IMPORTANT: get a famous singer to actually sing the song
42. OPTIONAL: when using my own vocals for the album, set aside bricks thrown at the concerts to expand house...

43. make a lot of friends
44. OPTIONAL: owe them a lot of money in case step 16 fails
45. IMPORTANT: do not show gold ring, expensive car, and yacht, and private jet in case step 44 is successful

46. build a contraption that will change the course of history
47. OPTIONAL: call it a time machine

48. build an empire
49. IMPORTANT: make people an offer they cant refuse
50. AND LASTLY: resist the urge to behead horse from step 17

math papers...

Even today I have nightmares at the thought of having to solve some of the mathematics papers that were distributed at the school level exams. Not only were some of the questions quite senseless but also hilarious. Don’t take my word for it; take a look at some of the questions that I remember.
(Also supplied are some of the answers that were actually given by some frustrated students)

Question 1: A tap fills a bucket at the rate of 2 milliliters per minute. The bucket has a hole at the bottom, which empties the bucket at the rate of 1.8 milliliters per minutes. If the tap is left running, what portion of the bucket is full after 4 hours?

Answer 1: Apply sealant to the hole in the bucket to stop the water from draining and in 15 minutes the bucket will be overflowing, forget four hours.

Question 2: A passenger train leaves point ‘A’ at 10:00 am at the speed of 4kmph. A goods train leaves point ‘B’ at 11:00 am at the speed of 6kmph in the opposite direction. Points A and B are ‘X’ kilometers apart. A bird flies from the passenger train to the goods train and back. Where will the bird be when the two trains meet?

Answer 2: hopefully as far as possible from the meeting point of the trains, because there will be a big mess when the trains do eventually meet.

A slight variation of the above question…
Question 3: A passenger train leaves point ‘A’ at 10:00 am at the speed of 4kmph. A goods train leaves point ‘B’ at 11:00 am at the speed of 6kmph in the same direction. Points A and B are ‘X’ kilometers apart. At what distance from ‘A’ will the goods train overtake the passenger train?

Answer 3-1: The goods train never manages to overtake the passenger train as there is a heard of cows on its track.
Answer 3-2: The goods train is behind the passenger train and on the same track; hence the goods train will never overtake the passenger train.

Another variation of the above question…
Question 4: A tortoise starts moving towards point ‘A’ at 1kmph, at the same time a hare starts to move towards the same point at 2kmph. The hare is 10 km behind the tortoise at the start. At what distance will the hare overtake the tortoise?

Answer 4: According to the story of the hare and the tortoise, the hare falls asleep till the tortoise reaches the end. This leads me to conclude that the hare never overtakes the tortoise, which makes the question invalid. (A rocket scientist he isn’t)

(I know what frustration is, but these guys sound like they are about to jump off the top floor of whatever building they fancy.)

Okay so I wasn’t that good at solving these questions but that did not stop the exam papers from carrying such questions and neither did it stop me from asking some questions of my own.

For question 1: Okay so some genius realized that the bucket has a hole, and all he/she did was try to fill it up even though it would eventually empty out. Why would someone in their right mind try to fill a broken bucket?
Secondly at a time when we get water for only two hours in the morning and three in the evening how are we supposed to keep the tap running for 4 hours, that too continuously?
For question 2: Why would the bird fly from one train to the other and back, does it not have any other work?
For question 2&3: Why would some one put two trains on the same track, going in opposite directions or in the same direction, so that they will actually meet at some point?
I am not even going to the last question…

I guess maths will always be maths, but common sense will always be uncommon. The best solution is given by hobbies in Calvin and hobbies tm. He says “well I couldn’t figure out this subtraction problem so I put ‘Atlanta, Georgia’”. I am sure you too know some hilarious questions that you have come across.

Notion

Due to the lack of adequate time and depleted brain power,(I had a couple of tests !) i have resorted to publishing a rehashed version of what already existed on my comp. Hope you like it...

With all the heat and generous doses of summer sun, it takes that much more will power to get out of the house. The time that it takes to get to the bus stop is a punishment. There are no two ways to about it. What usually takes me seven minutes now takes me twenty.

(He could spend those extra 13 minutes to good use. He could actually brush his teeth, have a bath, eat his breakfast, and do other sundry activities. Oh well! I guess he will just have to get up earlier…

He could also hire an auto but he insists on chasing one, I guess it gives him the satisfaction of saving 10 bucks…)

These twenty minutes are painfully spent in observing what moves and what does not. Like this drunkard that always lies prone at the corner of the block with a package wrapped in cloth by his side. Like clockwork he is there every morning and gone every evening, just to repeat the whole cycle the next day. What he does at other times is luckily a mystery. And this is one mystery that I don’t want to solve, even if someone pays me to solve it.

The other day I was terribly late, I had already missed a test and had no intension of the missing the next lecture. There I was, almost running to the bus stop and what did I see?

(Must be the new movie…)

I saw the drunkard. But not at his usual haunt. He was a few meters closer to the bus stop. And he was not alone. He had this bundle of joy. A child sat at his feet, chattering away to oblivion. He too was oblivious of all that was going around him.

Let me describe this man. He was fairly tall, very dark, matted hair and sunken blood shot eyes. His clothes can best be described as tattered drapes. He too was just as frail as his clothes. Yet the child that sat at his feet was plump and well fed. It was happy and content, and in everyway enjoying its disposition.

Thus every time that I saw him, my perception of him changed. Every time that I saw him, my prejudices altered. Every time I saw him, my preconceived notions of most fathers changed. All the places you must have read, seen, and heard that the father is almost invisible in his own family for the pettiest of reasons. But here was a man, a real father, who was sticking to it, to the very end. He was really doing his job.

You see all this while I had assumed him to be lying with a bottle, which it turns out (on closer inspection), was the same child. He used to wrap it tight to protect it from the cold and mosquitoes. What an ill conceived notion I had had. I guess first impressions can go horribly wrong…

Help not wanted

Sunday afternoons in the summer are merciless. With no air-conditioners to mellow the wrath of the sun, I was looking forward to a punishment. Last Sunday’s vow to never get up before noon went up in smoke. As oodles of sweat dripped from my body, I found myself only tossing and turning in bed. (The only thing I needed at that point was to get out of the house, right into the scorching sunlight.) Well god heard me anyway, he sent a messenger in the form of my sister. She wanted my help in a daring rescue.

(Just what I need on such a dreary day, an ego boost, makes you feel so good.)

An owl had apparently gotten lost and had wound up on a parapet. Calls had been flooding in since the crack of dawn, one of the reasons why I was so harshly awakened on a Sunday morning.

(How cruel can one bird get, waking me up so early on a Sunday……isn’t the nuisance created by crows early in the morning enough?)

Well anyway we got there to find a baby owl about half a foot long sleeping on the inside of the grille. It had feathers the color of sand, yellowish ochre. Beautiful long wings, about a foot long on either side. Eyes like buttons on either side of a hook like nose. It was standing on one foot and alternating the foot every few minutes. It was following every sound that came from the window. As I made a motion to climb down to the third floor parapet, where the owl was perched, it opened its eyes wide in alarm. Suddenly a face that had been showing only peace and innocence was awash with fear and anxiety.

(Serves it right, wakes me up and then itself falls asleep. If it weren’t for my sister I don’t know how the owl would have fared…if I had managed to get my hands on it in the first place anyway.)

As I attempted to get close and put a cloth over its head, it spread its majestic wings and took flight. It flew to the nearest coconut tree, taking shelter in its massive fronds.

(Another case of the bird flew episode? It was an instant hit.)

There on the limb, it was hit by the crows, all of them. (If you want to learn about unity, talk to a crow.) Every crow in the vicinity had zeroed in on this owl. They were mercilessly attacking it. The only option left with us was to rescue it. We tried every trick in the book.

(And we invented a few of our own, like trying to feed it a fried prawns. Poor thing, it looked all the more worried when we thrust the prawns in its face. If it weren’t for its flexible back, I am sure it would have dropped backwards from the branch it was sitting on…)

Anyway after wasting precious hours on a Sunday morning, we decided that the dreadful owl was beyond rescue. We don’t want to help anyone who refuses our help, do we? We left it to its fate.

Today, three days later there is still no hoot from that palm tree. We can only surmise that it flew away. Where it went to god alone knows…….

Which side of the door?

Due to the lack of time and resources this post is not only sub par but also a pathetic attempt…

Chaos reigns supreme when there are no laws to create order. But what happens when laws themselves create chaos. Take for examples these two laws which I call the toilet door laws.

(Not very imaginative is he?)

Law 1: “Inside the door”

Time contracts just enough, so as to finish before the end of your assigned activity.

Explanation:

Every morning I catch myself struggling to awaken. As a consequence of which I normally only have 10-12 minutes to reach the bus stop. The probability of this event occurring is 99%.

(The remaining 1% is to account for the times when I have actually blazed through the morning to reach college, just to realize that there is no lecture/college. My memory seems to have a funny sense of humor…)

When I have to get to college, I have to walk 15 minutes to the bus stop. Now this journey takes about 10 minutes, when traveled at double speed. Giving me just enough time to reach the bus stop when the bus is pulling in (Only in theory of course) what really happens is the watch somehow seems to tick faster, especially when the lecture is important. This means that I usually reach when the bus is just pulling out instead of pulling in. This further implies that I have to catch the next bus, leaving me with no choice but to become the “Late Mr. so-and-so”.

(Late as in delayed, “if” the professor is in a good mood; else your guess is as good as mine. Sheesh, the temper tantrums some of these guys throw.)

The same can be explained using any example that has or requires a time limit.

Law2: “Outside the door”

Time expands just enough, so as to delay the onset of your assigned (and usually favored) activity.

Explanation:

Between lectures I have a “break”, usually to replenish my reserves or to prepare for further lectures (and more pain). The times for these breaks are usually variable.

Before every break I have a Lab class. Here I am supposed to implement what I learn during the lectures (that is if I ever pay attention or understand a single word.). 15 minutes before the break my growling stomach reminds me that a break is around the corner. And if I pester the lab in charge long enough I am let go 5 minutes early.

(How stingy can these guys get only 5 minutes early?)

Counting the last few seconds to the break takes an eternity. A few minutes expand to a few centuries. Time seems to go slower the more you want it to speed up. Finally I reach the canteen, just to realize that everybody else reached there just before me. Every seat is occupied.

(Oh horror of horrors, where shall I have my daily bread…there too I have to wait in line, first to find a place, then to order food, then to get the order, etc)

The same can be explained using any example where you have to wait for something.

These laws are only as competent as the importance of the assigned activity. On combining these two laws we get the following example.

When two guys want to visit the toilet, they usually take turns (No seriously, I wouldn’t dare enter when there is some one else inside). The guy on the outside lets call him D (for delayed) and the guy inside, lets call him B (for busy). Now for D, every moment that B spends inside, time seems to expand (painfully). And every moment that D spends outside, time seems to contract (cruelly).

My point being that time somehow seems to expand or contract depending on which side of the door you are standing, an unusually anomalous behavior, hence the appropriately chosen title.

The most beautiful sight

Every morning a bus transfers me from “close to home” to “close to college”. The keywords being “close” as either place I have to walk at least 15 minutes more to reach, my destination. The bus ride itself being 30 minutes. This total time of 1 hour gives me a lot of time to think.

(Yeah he thinks about what he will have for lunch, what he will have for dinner, what he will read when he gets home, and other such earth shattering matters.)

Not that I have much to do, so I see outside the window. And you can see a veritable spectacle. People, different and colorful, chaotic and cacophonous, wander past the bus windows. But there are only certain people that I remember.

(Yeah it’s probably one of those babes that he sees in college everyday…… ;-))

And one in particular was this flower seller near the western express highway. She can be best described as small, emaciated, dark skinned and wearing a perpetual frown. Her clothes hung on her like they were two sizes two large. Her hair was always matted and dirty. But some how through all her problems you could see her at the very same spot, morning and evening, seven days a week, 180 days a year.

(That’s the minimum number of days he is supposed to go to college and he won’t go one over the minimum limit.)

She has this bouquet of flowers, always fresh and well watered. As fresh as her flowers look, her face looks just as wilted. What always puzzled me was the fact that even though she managed to sell plenty of flowers she was never looked happy, not once had I seen her smile.

This particular morning the traffic was even slower than usual. Apparently some one had broken a signal and the pandu at that corner was in a heated debate on what the correct fine amount should be.

(That too, in the middle of the bloody road.)

With nothing to do I called one of the paper sellers. He had a wide array of papers and magazines. I prudently and carefully chose one paper and paid the fellow. During this time, unnoticed to all, afore mentioned flower seller was on the prowl for a prospective customer. And I caught her eye. You see for the first time that week (and possibly that year) I was clean shaven. My attire was formal and the rest of me in general looking better. I looked ready for a date.

(Yeah, fat chance right?)

She coolly and quietly sauntered to the place under my window. She thrust a bunch of flowers in my face and spoke in one of the softest voices I have heard in a while. In fact she was so soft I almost didn’t hear her the first time. “Bunch of flowers for the lady?” she said.

(Just because I have a pale face and was clean shaven, she did not mistake me for a lady. It was meant for my supposed date. Anyway, her English was immaculate, better than that of some of the Profs I know. ;-) )

And for the first time in my life I saw a crack of a smile on her face. (A shy smile on that face looked like an exposed African in Germany, totally stark and extremely alien. Not one the best pictures I know, but potent none the less.)

I had no reason to buy the flowers. (Not yet anyway, though some day I hope to have one) So I struck up a conversation with her, not like I was going any where.

She did admit to wearing a perpetual frown. But the reason she supplied for her happiness was as shocking as it was simple. You see her mother had been missing for about 18 months (you must have gotten the picture by now, if not then read on.) and had just recently returned with a bouncing baby boy, her younger brother. The boy was about a year old and running from one end of the divider to the other. She just managed to point him out before she had to rush to the divider. The vehicles progressed and half an hour later I was “close to college”.

Now coming to my point, you see the most beautiful sight I saw that day, was when I was returning from college. The flower seller was not at her usual post. She was at the divider playing with the toddler, her little brother. I could see the little boy running from the sister to the lady I assumed was their mother, and back. Peels of laughter pierced the din of the traffic. And for the first time (probably in her life) the flower seller was truly happy. You could see it in her smile.

Surly bird

It seems funny how you can ruin a perfectly well begun Sunday morning, by doing some work. Not that I like to normally hazard a try, but circumstances do work against you most of the time. You see, I got up very early today, to find both my parents missing.

(No they had not run away, they had gone for a morning walk. Though there was a moment of weakness when that thought did occur to me. You can’t blame me, they had not come back for 2 hours and I was getting hungry. And the last time I tried to cook the firefighters had to be called in.)

So there I was fire in my belly and brain brimming with thoughts. A very dangerous situation I tell you. (Beware he thinks.) I knew what had to be done. Theoretical approach is one of my strong points. Unfortunately doing it is where I fail. Practical applications are where I usually flunk, terribly.

(Yeah in college chemistry practicals he blew up non flammable stuff. Think what will happen if he gets to use flammable stuff…)

Thus at 9 o clock in the morning I happened to enter the kitchen. (After an hour of debate on the worthy course of action) A battle ensued in the confines of the kitchen. For a better part of the hour I rummaged the cupboards, the fridge and the food containers (as if closing the door and then opening it again would make food appear miraculously.) All the places I knew held treasure turned up bare.

(That’s what you get for sitting up late and hogging all the time.)

The spoils of war always go to the victor. But after this war the only thing that got spoilt was my mood. An hour of search turned up one slice of bread and half a cup of tea. (And I don’t even like tea. But kya kare paapi pet ka sawal tha.) I wolfed down the tea and measly slice of bread.

Now this is where the frustrating part begins. You see all this while that I struggled in the kitchen, my sister slumbered in the hall, under the cover of a heavy blanket. I had failed to notice her presence in my foul mood. All I had to do was awaken her, and plead for a hearty breakfast.

(Yeah, fat load of help that would have been. She would have mumbled something about how sleep is more important and life does not revolve around food.)

Now the even more frustrating part of this particular Sunday morning takes the cake. You see a few moments later my parents appeared at the door. They entered to a hearty welcome that they surely thought was at the least very suspicious.

(Hunger can change a man’s priorities……)

What I heard next was at the same time infuriating and shocking. You see all this while that I was wrestling the cupboard, fridge and containers, a hot steaming breakfast was wafting over the stove ready to be consumed. Right there in front of me all the time and I worked like an ass to look in crevices.

(It is all because of this damn cold fogging my sense of smell.)

Therefore I reiterate my initial point. Don’t ruin your Sunday morning. Sleep early and sleep in.